Funny Quotes - Page 63

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Ever since I started to get recognition I've picked out certain fans and reverse-stalked them.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

The early bird may get the worm, but its the second mouse that gets the cheese.

Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

Things that make you weird as a kid will make you great tomorrow.

Any man whose errors take ten years to correct is quite a man.

The opera is to music what a bawdy house is to a cathedral.

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Suddenly I was in the right tempo - but it wasn't.

The most wasted of all days is one without laughter.

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer

Computers are good at following instructions, but not at reading your mind.

I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

A race track is a place where windows clean people.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much.

All marriages are same sex marriages. You get married and every night, it's the same sex.

Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead.

I was asked to act when I couldn't act. I was asked to sing "Funny Face" when I couldn't sing and dance with Fred Astaire when I couldn't dance and do all kinds of things I wasn't prepared for. Then I tried like mad to cope with it.

It could be that the purpose of your life is only to serve as a warning to others.

I'm not a facebook status you don't have to like me.

It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except all the others that have been tried.