Funny Quotes - Page 10

The road to success is always under construction.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

The United States is a nation of laws: badly written and randomly enforced.

You're a kid, your whole life is awesome. It's awesome, right? You had no money, no ID, no cell phone, no nothing, no keys to the house. You just ran outside into the woods. You weren't scared of nothing. I challenge you to do that as an adult. All your IDs, all your credit cards - just run out of the house with no phone, turn the corner where you can't see your house, and not have a full on panic attack.

Everybody's trying to leave their mark on the world. That's why there's graffiti and babies.

It seems that for success in science or art, a dash of autism is essential.

A woman is like a tea bag - you can't tell how strong she is until you put her in hot water.

My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.

You shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

I have a very strict gun control policy: if there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it.

Do you think pandas know they're Chinese and they're taking the one child policy a bit too seriously?

Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

The city is not a concrete jungle, it is a human zoo.

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

You should definitely visit the Louvre, a world-famous art museum where you can view, at close range, the backs of thousands of other tourists trying to see the Mona Lisa.

The best computer is a man, and it’s the only one that can be mass-produced by unskilled labor.

Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, and dinner like a pauper.

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The empty vessel makes the loudest sound.

Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut

A girl must marry for love, and keep on marrying until she finds it.