Funny Quotes - Page 70

Bob Gibson is the luckiest pitcher I ever saw. He always pitches when the other team doesn't score any runs.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

To catch a husband is an art; to hold him is a job.

A man is only as good as what he loves.

Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings... and lawyers.

The more uninteresting the letter, the more useful it is to the typographer.

Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB's given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren't likely to argue about bedtime.

All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.

When I was young I thought that money was the most important thing in life; now that I am old I know that it is.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

They are born, put in a box; they go home to live in a box; they study by ticking boxes; they go to what is called "work" in a box, where they sit in their cubicle box; they drive to the grocery store in a box to buy food in a box; they talk about thinking "outside the box"; and when they die they are put in a box.

I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.

All things being equal, people will do business with a friend; all things being unequal, people will still do business with a friend.

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

To err is human, to forgive is against company policy.

One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

I'm trying to read a book on how to relax, but I keep falling asleep.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Money doesn't always bring happiness. People with ten million dollars are no happier than people with nine million dollars.

If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.

The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.