Funny Quotes - Page 69

Do I listen to pop music because I'm miserable or am I miserable because listen to pop music?

You don't have to be the Dalai Lama to tell people that life's about change.

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot and love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

The more I know about men the more I like dogs.

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.

You've got bad eating habits if you use a grocery cart in 7-Eleven.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

My mother told me that life isn't always about pleasing yourself and that sometimes you have to do things for the sole benefit of another human being. I completely agreed with her, but reminded her that that was what blow jobs were for.

I was in a band called The Valentines and they broke up last week.

I'm not a vegetarian! I'm a dessertarian!

Mick Jagger is in better shape than far too many NBA players. It's up in the air whether the same can be said of Keith Richards.

Did you ever see the customers in health - food stores? They are pale, skinny people who look half - dead. In a steak house, you see robust, ruddy people. They're dying, of course, but they look terrific.

Keep the other person's well being in mind when you feel an attack of soul-purging truth coming on.

A sense of humour is the only divine quality of man

Few women care to be laughed at and men not at all, except for large sums of money.

Airplane travel is nature's way of making you look like your passport photo.

The concept of two people living together for 25 years without a serious dispute suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I would sooner read a timetable or a catalog than nothing at all.

A book is a fragile creature, it suffers the wear of time, it fears rodents, the elements and clumsy hands. so the librarian protects the books not only against mankind but also against nature and devotes his life to this war with the forces of oblivion.