Funny Quotes - Page 96

The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is waiting.

Get out the rye bread and mustard grandma, cause it's GRAND SALAMI TIME!

Put every great teacher in a room, and they'd agree about everything, but put their disciples in there and they'd argue about everything.

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Everything you add to the truth subtracts from the truth.

Truth is what stands the test of experience.

When someone says, "I want a programming language in which I need only say what I want done," give him a lollipop.

Men have died from time to time, and worms have eaten them, but not for love.

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

A woman should soften but not weaken a man.

Spring is nature's way of saying, 'Let's party!'

Life is never easy for those who dream.

Politics would be a helluva good business if it weren't for the goddamned people.

Every problem has a gift for you in its hands.

The people who know nothing about music are the ones always talking about it.

I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction! We don't need to bring ink and paper into this! I can't imagine a scenario where I'd have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend...'Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut! I've got the documentation right here! Oh, wait, it's back home, in the file. Under d...for doughnut.'

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

God is at home, it's we who have gone out for a walk.

It's good to shut up sometimes.

I've been in more laps than a napkin.

Love is like a booger, you pick and pick at it. Then when you get it you wonder how to get rid of it.

I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson.'