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George Carlin Quotes - Page 13

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If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

If God had intended us not to masturbate, He would have made our arms shorter.

Funny, Sexy, Arms

Sometimes when I'm told to use my own discretion, if no one is looking I'll use someone else's. But I always put it back.

Use, Sometimes, My Own

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.187, Hachette UK

The planet is fine. The people are f****d. Because everyone is trying to save the planet. The planet doesn’t need that. The planet will take care of itself. People are selfish. And that's what they're doing is trying to save the planet for themselves to have a nicer place to live.

People, Planets, Fine

"George Carlin's 'View': Wildfire Victims 'Get What's Coming to Them'" by Justin McCarthy, www.newsbusters.org. October 24, 2007.

There are only two types of motorists: the idiots who drive slower than me, and the lunatics who go faster.

Two, Idiot, Type

As much as I love my family, I enjoy it when the house is empty, because then I know I'm truly alone, as we all are on the planet, after all. Every atom in us is originally from a star. And during my moments of aloneness, I'm most mindful of that; that I'm just another group of matter randomly but wonderfully arranged. That's when I feel my immortality.

Stars, House, I Love My Family

Interview with Sam Merrill, reprints.longform.org. January 1982.

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

Golden Girls, Realizing

I respect animals. I have more sympathy for an injured or dead animal than I do for an injured or dead human being, because human beings participate and cooperate in their own undoing. Animals are completely innocent. There are no innocent human beings.

Animal, Innocent, Undoing

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

Teenager, Law, Broke

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

I recently bought a book of free verse. For twelve dollars.

Humorous, Book, Twelve

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Some people think that words can injure the psyche or the moral fiber. And they really can't.

Thinking, Moral Fiber, People

Source: www.timeout.com

I don't think drugs are a problem; I think they're a symptom. As long as Americans are empty, spiritually, emotionally, morally empty, they will need things like the drugs they choose to use. Mankind has wanted to change the way it felt from the beginning anyway. In this country there are even more reasons to want to feel different, to want to feel better, because this is such a neon sewer. This is such a degrading culture. It forces you to play Beethoven to your child in the uterus so that he will get into a better school and a better job and make more money so he can take care of you.

Country, Jobs, Children

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

Heart, Smell, Disease

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

A lot of the people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt

Home, Gun, Safety

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.

Hands, Feet, Steps

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.

Philosophy, Long, People

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Funny, Stupid, Humor

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn't a lot worth paying attention to.

Country, Stupid, Thinking

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Inspirational, Funny, Truth

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Here's a bumper sticker I'd like to see... 'We are the Proud Parents of a Child who has resisted his teacher's attempts to bend him to the will of his corporate masters'.

Teacher, Children, Parent

"George Carlin: Complaints & Grievances". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. 2001.

I'm not an angry person, just very disappointed and contemptuous of my fellow humans' choices - and on stage those feelings sometimes are exaggerated for a theatric stage - you're on a stage you have an audience of 2500 or 3000 people: you need to project the feelings, the emotions it's heightened, and people mistake it for a personal anger but it's more dissatisfaction, disappointment and contempt for these things we've settled for.

Disappointment, Mistake, People

Source: www.psychologytoday.com

I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.

Hobbies, Cost, Interest

People are dreaming if they think they have rights. They've never had rights. There's no such thing.

Dream, Thinking, Rights

Source: mavericksofthemind.com

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.

Able, Sophisticated, Feels

Instead of thinking about the sex, I'd always think about the clap and the crabs those people have.

Sex, Thinking, People

Source: reprints.longform.org

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