Authors:

A
B
C
D
E
F
G
H
I
J
K
L
M
N
O
P
Q
R
S
T
U
V
W
X
Y
Z

George Carlin Quotes - Page 12

All Quotes Abortion Age Aging Airplane Alcohol Art Atheism Atheist Balance Baseball Beer Belief Boundaries Bullshit Cancer Children Choices Church Comedy Cooking Country Crime Culture Cynicism Death Drinking Dying Earth Effort Environment Evil Family Feelings Fighting Food Football Friday Fun Funny Getting High Giving Giving Up God Golf Growth Guilt Hard Work Hate Hatred Heart Hell Holiday Home Honesty House Humanity Hurt Hypocrisy Inspiration Inspirational Jesus Judging Killing Language Laughter Life Lying Memories Military Money Morning Mountain Observation Office Pain Past Peace Perspective Philosophy Pleasure Police Pot Prayer Quality Rain Reading Religion Running Safety Sarcasm School Science Selling Shame Sleep Smile Smoking Soul Speed Sports Talent Team Time Today Travel Truth Values Vegetarian Voting Waiting Wall War Water Wife Work Worry Worship Writing

The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone. Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a

The seven dwarfs were each on different little trips. Happy was into grass and grass alone. Happy, that's all he did. Sleepy was into reds. Grumpy, too much speed. Sneezy was a full blown coke freak. Doc was a connection. Dopey was into everything. Any old orifice will do for Dopey. He's always got his arm out and his leg up. And then, the one we always forget, because he was Bashful. Bashful didn't use drugs. He was paranoid on his own. Didn't need any help on that ladder.

Drug, Too Much, Coke

"Toledo Window Box". Comedy album by George Carlin, 1974.

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” And anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.

Philosophy, Simple, Motto

"Carlin on Campus". Documentary, Comedy, 1984.

When you look at the average American you realize there's nothing nature enjoys more than a good joke.

Humorous, Average, Looks

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

The keys to America: The cross, the brew, the dollar, and the gun.

Gun, Keys, America

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

You don’t see many of these white anti-abortion women volunteering to have any black fetuses transplanted into their uterus’s, do you? No, you don’t see them adopting a whole lot of crack babies, do you? No, that might be something Christ would do.

Baby, White, Volunteer

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

School, Half, Alphabet

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him.

Comedy, Genuine, Ifs

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.86, Hachette UK

In Hawaii they say, "aloha." That's a nice one, It means both "hello" and "good-bye" Which just goes to show, if you spend enough time in the sun you don't know whether you're coming or going.

Nice, Humorous, Mean

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

In most polls there are always about 5 percent of the people who 'don't know.' What isn't generally understood is that it's the same people in every poll.

People, Polls, Understood

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Have you ever started a path? No one seems willing to do this. We don't mind using existing paths, but we rarely start new ones. Do it today. Start a path. Even if it doesn't lead anywhere

Mind, Today, Path

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

Funny, Humor, Perspective

Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.

Inspirational, Humor, Thinking

More people have been killed in the name of God than for any other reason.

Names, People, Reason

"George Carlin: Complaints & Grievances", www.imdb.com. 2001.

How do you write zero in Roman numerals?

Zero, Writing, Roman Numerals

I'm 60 years of age. That's 16 Celsius.

Funny, Birthday, Meaningful

"‘Orange Is the New Black’ ... Geek Is the New Chic... 60 Is the New?" by David Sable, www.huffingtonpost.com. August 26, 2013.

[On School Uniforms] Don't these schools do enough damage making all these kids think alike, now they have to make them look alike too? It's not a new idea, either. I first saw it in old newsreels from the 1930s, but it was hard to understand because the narration was in German.

School, Kids, Thinking

I often wonder how different the world would be if Hitler had not been turned down when he applied to art school.

Art, School, Different

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Hey! Who stole my collection of used bandages?! And they also got away with my nude pictures of Ernest Borgnine!

Hey, Used, Collections

Sometimes a little brain damage can help.

Brain, Littles, Damage

George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.88, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.

Team, Circles, Names

George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Inspirational, Funny, Life

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

Feelings, Chocolate, Bars

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

You wouldn't know it, from some of the things I've said over the years, but I like people. I do. I like people, but I like them in short bursts. I don't like people for extended periods of time. I'm all right with them for a little while, but once you get up past around... a minute, minute and a half, I gotta get the fuck out of there.

Past, Years, People

"George Carlin... It's Bad for Ya!", www.imdb.com. 2008.

A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

Funny, Hilarious, Witty

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.43, Hachette UK

You May Also Like: