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George Carlin Quotes - Page 15

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I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

Dirty, Hair, Teeth

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Every time you're exposed to advertising in America you're reminded that this country's most profitable business is still the manufacture, packaging, distribution, and marketing of bullshit. High-quality, grade-A, prime-cut, pure American bullshit.

Country, Cutting, America

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Funny, Taken, Humor

"George Carlin’s Daughter Kelly Carlin-McCall To Record Oral History Of Her Father’s Life For Hyperion" by Susan Wioszcyna, www.huffingtonpost.com. December 5, 2008.

I was looking in the mirror the other day and I realized I haven't changed much since I was in my twenties. The only difference is I look a whole lot older now.

Funny, Mirrors, Differences

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

Inspirational, Funny, Travel

George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.52, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

I noticed that all the prayers I used to offer to God, and all the prayers I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answered at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want, half the time I don't... Same as the four-leaf clover and the horseshoe...same as the Voodoo Lady who tells you your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles, it's all the same: 50-50. So just pick your superstition, sit back, make a wish, and enjoy yourself.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

"You Are All Diseased". Book by George Carlin, 1999.

Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

Funny, Sports, Stupid

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

Children, Humor, Breakfast

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan.

Atheist, Ku Klux Klan, Doubt

Why do 'slow down' and 'slow up' mean the same thing? Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

Time, Mean, Hands

I think we overrate ourselves in terms of our abilities and capacities. I mean, just because you can build a really swell bridge doesn't, to my way of thinking, mean that you're an advanced civilization.

Mean, Thinking, Civilization

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything alive is gonna die...where does the sacred part come in?

Doe, Alive, Sacred

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

Food, Cooking, Sushi

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

I have this real moron thing I do? It's called thinking.

Real, Thinking, Moron

George Carlin (2009). “Last Words”, p.10, Simon and Schuster

I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

"Napalm and Silly Putty". Book by George Carlin, 2001.

The bloodiest, most brutal wars fought, all based on religious hatred. Which is fine with me! Any time a bunch of holy people want to go out and kill each other I'm a happy guy!

Religious, War, People

This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.

Art, Prayer, Father

Children are not our future, and I can prove it with my usual, flawless logic. Children can't be our future, because by the time the future arrives, they won't be children anymore, so blow me!

Children, Blow, Usual

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

Humorous, People, Election

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

We think in language. We think in words. Language is the landscape of thought.

Thinking, Landscape, Language

Source: mavericksofthemind.com

I believe my first duty is to survive. And I'm not just talking about criminals coming into my home. I once seriously considered getting a gun to protect myself from the police. If I need a weapon to continue living, I'll get one. And I'll use it.

Believe, Home, Gun

Interview with Sam Merrill, reprints.longform.org. January 1982.

I don't care much about the outcome. I'd like for people to feel better and have better lives, but I don't think that's in the cards through political action. I think bloodshed is still the way you get dramatic change. That'll never happen because they've got all the guns now. At least they've got the nice guns, the big ones, the ones with night vision.

Nice, Feel Better, Gun

Source: www.motherjones.com

We spend the early years feeding our brains with information and the latter half trying not to think about it all.

Yoga, Thinking, Years

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