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George Carlin Quotes - Page 16

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When will all the rhetorical questions end?

When will all the rhetorical questions end?

Funny, Humor, Ends

All Christian religions are outer-directed. "Who can I convert?" "Let's go to this country and make them Christians." "Wear this." "Do that." "No, don't worship that way. Worship this way or I'll kill you - for the good of your soul, of course." Meanwhile, followers of Eastern religions are sitting in the middle of their minds, experiencing a bliss and a level of consciousness that Western man can't begin to approach.

Christian, Country, Men

Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Inspirational, Dog, Mean

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.197, Hachette UK

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

Bread, Stale, Packages

Whenever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

Pay, Cuisine, Used

In TV today, you can say I pricked my finger, but you can't say it the other way around.

Funny, Humorous, Today

It was the typical paranoid experience [to hide coke]. As soon as I knew my hiding place, I thought the whole world knew it. I'd write clues to my hiding places in code, then forget the code and spend the rest of the day looking for my coke.

Writing, Coke, Typical

Source: reprints.longform.org

Abraham Maslow said that the fully realized person transcends his local group and identifies with the species. But the election of Ronald Reagan might've been the beginning of my giving up on my species. Because it was absurd. To this day it remains absurd. More than absurd, it was frightening: it represented the rise to supremacy of darkness, the ascendancy of ignorance.

Giving Up, Ignorance, Darkness

Hooray for most things!

Stupid, Stupid People, People

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

Sweaters, Looks

George Carlin (2001). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, p.94, Hachette UK

It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?

Pussy, Saws, Firsts

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Party, Cooking Dinner, Bathroom

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Someone said, and rightfully, that "property is theft'." There's no way a man can stand and tell me that he owns an apple tree. I just don't believe you. And so this pursuit of position and money and power, they are all wrapped up into one package that I think is crippling, debilitating and limiting. And unfortunately, people get sucked into it and then they've got you on the treadmill. You know: ''You've got to have a good job'' and "You've got to have a good education'' - which is another word for indoctrination. We're never going to rise above these limitations we've placed on ourselves.

Jobs, Believe, Men

It is impossible for an abortion clinic to have a waiting list of more than nine months.

Abortion, Waiting, Nine

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

If the shoe fits, buy another one just like it.

Shoes, Fit, If The Shoe Fits

I credit that eight years of grammar school with nourishing me in a direction where I could trust myself and trust my instincts. They gave me the tools to reject my faith. They taught me to question and think for myself and to believe in my instincts to such an extent that I just said, "This is a wonderful fairy tale they have going here, but it's not for me."

Believe, School, Thinking

"The New York Times", August 20, 1995.

The more syllables a euphemism has, the further divorced from reality it is.

Reality, Euphemism, Divorced

When people say “clean as a whistle”, they forget that a whistle is full of spit.

Funny, Humor, People

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

I was once dancing with a woman who told me she had a yeast infection so I told her to bake me some bread.

Dancing, Yeast, Bread

How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?

Funny, Abortion, Religion

"Back in Town". Documentary, Comedy, 1996.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

Stupid, Humorous, Fall

"Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Life is a zero sum game.

Zero, Stupid, Games

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Inspirational, Funny, Mean Girls

"George Carlin: Jammin' in New York", www.imdb.com. 1992.

One of the more pretentious political self-descriptions is 'Libertarian.' People think it puts them above the fray. It sounds fashionable, and to the uninitiated, faintly dangerous. Actually, it's just one more bullshit political philosophy.

Philosophy, Thinking, Self

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.

Life, Christian, Country

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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