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George Carlin Quotes - Page 14

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Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'.

Sometimes guys'll say to you, 'Have a good one'. I say, 'I already have a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one'.

Sex, Guy, Sometimes

Everybody in America is a part of this big herd of cattle being led to the marketplace, not to be sold, which is usual with cattle, but to do the buying. And everyone is branded.

America, Usual, Buying

"Fussy eater" is a euphemism for "big pain in the ass."

Pain, Humorous, Ass

"A Place for My Stuff". Comedy album by George Carlin, 1981.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Religious, Atheist, Ideas

"Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

We've cleaned up the air, but polluted the soul.

Air, Soul, Paradox

They [the Reagan Administration] want to put street criminals in jail to make life safer for the business criminals. They're against street crime, providing that street isn't Wall Street.

Wall, Jail, Criminals

People can't seem to get it through their heads that there is never any healing or closure. Ever. There is only a short pause before the next "horrifying" event. People forget there is such a thing as memory, and that when a wound "heals" it leaves a permanent scar that never goes away, but merely fades a little. What really ought to be said after one of these so-called tragedies is, "Let the scarring begin.

Memories, Healing, People

George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

The phrase surgical strike might be more acceptable if it were common practice to perform surgery with high explosives.

Practice, Phrases, Might

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Flowers are one of the few things we buy, bring home, watch die, and we don't ask for our money back.

Flower, Home, Watches

Why is it called 'after dark' when it really is 'after light'?

Dark, Light

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

Funny, Father, Humor

George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

I don't see much of a future for this planet. I think it's a cursed planet. The boundaries we've drawn between nations and the profit motive - those two factors have, in my opinion, brought us to the point where almost nothing can stop the utter destruction of the environment and all our earthly life-support systems.

Thinking, Two, Support Systems

Interview with Sam Merrill, reprints.longform.org. January 1982.

I've never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.

Stupid, People, Guy

Can placebos cause side effects? If so, are the side effects real?

Real, Causes, Sides

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Dogs lead a nice life. You never see a dog with a wristwatch.

Funny, Dog, Nice

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.211, Hachette UK

The Baby Boomers: whiny, narcissistic, self-indulgent people with a simple philosophy: "Gimme that! It's mine!"

Baby, Philosophy, Simple

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

Stupid, Thinking, Law

I don't own a camera, so I travel with a police sketch artist.

Artist, Police, Cameras

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.92, Hachette UK

Personally, when it comes to rights, I think one of two things is true. I think either we have unlimited rights, or we have no rights at all. Personally I lean towards unlimited rights, I feel for instance I have the right to do anything I please, BUT! If I do something you don't like I think you have the right to kill me.

Thinking, Rights, Two

"Character: George Carlin". "George Carlin... It's Bad for Ya!", www.imdb.com. 2008.

In restaurants where they serve frog's legs, what do they do with the rest of the frog? Do they just throw it away? You never see "frog torsos" on the menu. Is there actually a garbage can full of frog bodies in the alley? I wouldn't want to be a homeless guy looking for an unfinished cheeseburger and open the lid on that

Garbage Cans, Guy, Body

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

Health, Helping, Cherish

The only thing high-definition television will do is provide sharper images of the garbage.

Television, Definitions, Garbage

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Mean, Opposites, Vision

When I was a kid, if a guy got killed in a western movie I always wondered who got his horse.

Movie, Horse, Kids

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Never give up on an idea simply because it is bad and doesn't work.

Giving Up, Ideas, Giving

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

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