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George Carlin Quotes - Page 5

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It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard:

It's the old American Double Standard, ya know: Say one thing, do somethin' different. And of course this country is founded on the double standard. That's our history. We were founded on a very basic double standard: This country was founded by slave owners who wanted to be free.

Country, Philosophy, Slave Owners

"What Am I Doing in New Jersey?". Live album by George Carlin, 1988.

Age is a hell of a price to pay for wisdom.

Age, Pay, Hell

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

Political, Beef, Needs

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.193, Hachette UK

This country was founded by a group of slave owners who told us that all men are created equal.

Country, Men, Psychics

"You Are All Diseased". Documentary, Comedy, 1999.

My first rule: I don't believe anything the government tells me.

Believe, Government, Firsts

"Jammin' in New York". Documentary, Comedy, 1992.

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Funny, Money, Humor

The next time they give you all that civic bullshit about voting, keep in mind that Hitler was elected in a full, free democratic election

Bullshit, Giving, Voting

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

By elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Honesty, Comedian, Second Best

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

My tombstone? I'm thinking something along the lines of, 'Geez, he was just here a minute ago.'

Motivational, Inspiring, Tombstone

The US Army has announced that although it is true they performed mind-destroying drug tests on hundreds of soldiers in the 1960s, none of the victims have been promoted beyond the rank of lieutenant colonel.

Army, Drug, Soldier

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

I've begun worshipping the sun for a number of reasons. First of all, unlike some other gods I could mention, I can see the sun. It's there for me every day. And the things it brings me are quite apparent all the time: heat, light, food, and a lovely day. There's no mystery, no one asks for money, I don't have to dress up, and there's no boring pageantry. And interestingly enough, I have found that the prayers I offer to the sun and the prayers I formerly offered to "God" are all answered at about the same 50% rate.

Funny, Prayer, Numbers

George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.28, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

If you ask me, we could do with a little less motivation. - The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me. - Serial killers, stock swindlers, drug dealers, Christian Republicans.

Christian, Motivation, People

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.112, Hachette UK

A crazy person doesn't really lose his mind. It just becomes something more entertaining.

Crazy, Mind, Entertaining

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

What exactly is 'viewer discretion'? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.

Air, Exactly Is, Television

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

"No comment" is a comment.

Funny, Stupid, Humor

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.89, Hachette UK

You know what they want? They want obedient workers. Obedient workers, people who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork. And just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime and vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And now they're coming for your Social Security money. They want your f**kin' retirement money. They want it back so they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street.

Running, Retirement, Jobs

"Life Is Worth Losing". Documentary, Comedy, 2005.

Environmentalists changed the word jungle to rain forest, because no one would give them money to save a jungle. Same with swamps and wetlands.

Rain, Giving, Wetlands

In the United States, anybody can be President. That's the problem.

President, United States, Problem

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

We think in language. The quality of our thoughts and ideas can only be as good as the quality of our language.

Thinking, Ideas, Quality

One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you're too tired.

Funny, Stupid, Pregnancy

"It's Bad for Ya". Comedy album by George Carlin, 2008.

I have a suggestion that I think would help fight serious crime. Signs. There are lots of signs for minor infractions: No Smoking, Stay Off the Grass, Keep Out, and they seem to work fairly well. I think we should also have signs for major crimes: Murder Strictly Prohibited, NO Raping People, Thank You for Not Kidnapping Anyone. It's certainly worth a try. I'm convinced Watergate would never have happened if there had just been a sign in the Oval Office that said, Malfeasance of Office Is Strictly Against the Law, or Thank You for Not Undermining the Constitution.

Humor, Fighting, Thinking

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.69, Hachette UK

With the proper training, I could've been an evil genius.

Evil, Training, Genius

We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

I don't understand why prostitution is illegal, Selling is legal, f***ing is legal. So why isn't it legal to sell f***ing? Why should it be illegal to sell something that's legal to give away?

Humorous, Giving, Selling

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, He was a loner. Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

People, Guy, Loner

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

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