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George Carlin Quotes - Page 33

All Quotes Abortion Age Aging Airplane Alcohol Art Atheism Atheist Balance Baseball Beer Belief Boundaries Bullshit Cancer Children Choices Church Comedy Cooking Country Crime Culture Cynicism Death Drinking Dying Earth Effort Environment Evil Family Feelings Fighting Food Football Friday Fun Funny Getting High Giving Giving Up God Golf Growth Guilt Hard Work Hate Hatred Heart Hell Holiday Home Honesty House Humanity Hurt Hypocrisy Inspiration Inspirational Jesus Judging Killing Language Laughter Life Lying Memories Military Money Morning Mountain Observation Office Pain Past Peace Perspective Philosophy Pleasure Police Pot Prayer Quality Rain Reading Religion Running Safety Sarcasm School Science Selling Shame Sleep Smile Smoking Soul Speed Sports Talent Team Time Today Travel Truth Values Vegetarian Voting Waiting Wall War Water Wife Work Worry Worship Writing

It's a keep your fingers crossed business, the entertainment business.

It's a "keep your fingers crossed" business, the entertainment business.

Entertainment, Fingers Crossed, Fingers

Source: www.avclub.com

Sudden total weight loss.

Loss, Weight Loss, Weight

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

I loved the angiogram. They stick a thing in your thigh and it goes all the way up to your heart. Isn't that a thrill? Well, at least the nurse scored thigh.

Heart, Nurse, Thrill

Source: reprints.longform.org

You live eighty years, and at best you get about six minutes of pure magic.

Years, Magic, Six

Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.

Stupid, People, Faster

We are all precancerous.

Cancer, Survival, Cancer Survival

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.195, Hachette UK

The best thing about living at the water's edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

Stupid, People, Water

Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, to the next county, to a foreign country, but NOT to where the guilt is.

Country, Regret, Guilt

O. J. Simpson has already received the ultimate punishment: For the rest of his life he has to associate with golfers.

Funny, Golf, Punishment

George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

In football the object is to march into enemy territory and cross his goal. In baseball the object is to go home.

Baseball, Football, Home

And this should go without saying. That's why I'm going to say it: Drinking and driving don't mix. Do your drinking early in the morning and get it out of the way. Then go driving while the visibility is still good.

Morning, Humorous, Drinking

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

How old are you? 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

Keys, Half, Four

I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.

Believe, World, Littles

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Next time you see someone sleeping, make believe you're in a science fiction movie. And whisper, 'The creature is regenerating itself.'

Believe, Sleep, Fiction

George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.35, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

I never go anywhere or do anything that transports me outside the boundaries of my mind.

Mind, Boundaries, Of My Mind

Source: reprints.longform.org

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

Rain, Civilization, Space

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Sun worship is fairly simple. There's no mystery, no miracles, no pageantry, no one asks for money, there are no songs to learn, and we don't have a special building where we all gather once a week to pare compare clothing.

Song, Humorous, Simple

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

My father and mother separated when I was two months old.

Mother, Father, Two

Source: reprints.longform.org

Lenny Bruce genius was the unique ability to investigate hypocrisy and expose social inequities in a street rap that was really a form of poetry.

Rap, Unique, Hypocrisy

Source: reprints.longform.org

To me the cynics are the ones in the boardrooms with the reports from the focus groups.

Focus, Groups, Focus Groups

"Stand-up comic - Interview". The Progressive Vol. 65 Nbr., July 7, 2001.

Hitler never bothered with restaurant reservations; he just dropped by. And somehow they always found him a table.

Tables, Restaurants, Reservations

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes

Mother, School, Kids

Somebody once said that Hollywood is based on a lot of producers deliberately making bad movies, and every now and then somebody gets lucky.

Lucky, Now And Then, Producers

There's a thing about cocaine - when I was doing it secretly, it didn't make me very sociable. I forget how others were, but it made me very inner-directed. So being in a sketch and rehearsing and the "hail fellow well met" camaraderie and all that stuff, I couldn't fake that or force that. It was painful.

Fake, Forget, Painful

I was a stonehead for 30 years. I'd wake up in the morning and if I couldn't decide whether I wanted a joint or not, I'd smoke a joint to figure it out. And I stayed high all day long.

Morning, Years, Long

Source: reprints.longform.org

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