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George Carlin Quotes - Page 34

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Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.

Engineers at General Motors have developed a revolutionary new engine whose only function is to lubricate itself.

Revolutionary, Function, Engineers

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

I don't think we really gave barbarism a fair try.

Thinking, Trying, Barbarism

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.82, Hachette UK

I saw Danny Kaye in a movie, and he was doing voices and faces on that big, big screen and making whole audiences laugh. It was just an instant hookup.

Voice, Laughing, Faces

Source: reprints.longform.org

I'm not in show business because I don't have to go to the meetings, I'm just not a part of it, I don't belong to it. When you "belong" to something. You want to think about that word, "belong." People should think about that: it means they own you. If you belong to something it owns you, and I just don't care for that. I like spinning out here like one of those subatomic particles that they can't quite pin down.

Mean, Thinking, People

Source: www.psychologytoday.com

Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

Love, Wise, Opportunity

There's a part of me that is angry. Not in the sense of, "Gee, George is an angry guy!" I mean, anyone who's been with me five minutes, five years, whatever, they would tell you they've rarely seen me in a moment of anger. Yes, I can become highly irritated in a line that's moving slowly, or with a clerk who's incompetent. But I don't yell. I don't get rude. I am clear about what I expect. In a store, my mother always told me, "Ask for the manager immediately. It changes the tone of the conversation."

Mother, Moving, Mean

It ended suddenly for Brenda, more slowly for me. My runs began getting shorter and less pleasurable. I'd feel bad after only one day, or only a few hours, instead of four or five days. And I began to want to stop. One of the proudest moments of my life was at a rock-'n'-roll theater in New Jersey. A guy actually put some coke under my nose and I was able to say, "No, thanks," and turn my head away.

Running, Rocks, Guy

Source: reprints.longform.org

It's harder to be funny from the position of power.

No one ever says, 'It's only a game' when their team is winning.

Funny, Team, Humor

A pear is a failed apple.

Humorous, Apples, Pears

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

There are some people that aren't into all the words. There are some people who would have you not use certain words. Yeah, there are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven of them that you can't say on television. What a ratio that is. 399,993 to seven. They must really be bad. They'd have to be outrageous, to be separated from a group that large. All of you over here, you seven. Bad words. That's what they told us they were, remember? 'That's a bad word.' You know bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions.

People, Groups, Use

"George Carlin (1937–2008): Legendary Comedian Challenged Status Quo Throughout 50-Year Career". "Democracy Now!" with Amy Goodman, www.democracynow.org. June 24, 2008.

Art, music, and philosophy are merely poignant examples of what we might have been had not the priests and traders gotten hold of us.

Art, Philosophy, Example

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Cancer research is a growth industry.

Cancer, Science, Growth

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.99, Hachette UK

I don't understand the problem with paroling Charles Manson? I say set him free and let him get on with his work. I have a long list of celebrities I'd be glad to share with him.

Long, Lists, Problem

You never see a smiling runner.

Runners

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.99, Hachette UK

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

Cat, Hammers, Blink

Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways? Just to be silly!

Silly, Parks, Being Silly

When he got loaded, the human cannonball knew there were not many men of his caliber.

Humorous, Men, Caliber

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

Numbers, Teens, Next

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

Life, Different, Phrases

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.192, Hachette UK

I'm not a person who thinks they can have it all, but I certainly feel that with a bit of effort and guile I should be able to have more than my fair share.

Thinking, Effort, Able

It was just a compulsion. In fact, I soon realized that the only thing I really enjoyed was the actual snorting.

Facts, Compulsion, Enjoyed

Source: reprints.longform.org

When you quit school at an early age, I think you have a lifelong need to show the world - and maybe yourself - that you're really smart after all.

Being Yourself, Smart, School

Source: mavericksofthemind.com

The symphony orchestra had played poorly, so the conductor was in a bad mood. That night he beat his wife--because the music hadn't been beautiful enough.

Beautiful, Night, Symphony

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

I definitely have a gift for language that is rhythmic and attractive to the ear, and I have interesting [verbal] imagery which I guess is a poetic touch.

Interesting, Ears, Language

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