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George Carlin Quotes - Page 32

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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Funny, Texas, Execution

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

All messages from Satan are played forward and are in standard American English.

Messages, Satan, Standards

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don't trust any organization that has a handbook.

Funny, Stupid, Humor

I find that an entertainer is quite content to sit still, and I think an artist always has a little motion, always going somewhere. May not know where it is, but there is some sort of unnamed destination. There is some pulling, some movement. So I just found myself in that category according to my own analysis.

Artist, Thinking, Analysis

For a long time, I've distinguished between entertainer and performer and entertainer and artist. To me, an entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself.

Artist, Long, Trying

One of the effects it [cocaine] had on my personality - my moods, my behaviors - was that it inhibited me a lot. It kind of took possibilities out of my world, and made the focus of things very narrow.

Focus, Personality, World

Source: www.avclub.com

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.

New York, Men, Radio

When I first heard the song Don't worry - be happy I realized it was exactly the kind of mindless philosophy that Americans would respond to. It would make a great national anthem along with Me first.

Song, Philosophy, Worry

I always wanted and enjoyed sex, but I never put much importance on scoring or having an athletic sex life. I guess I define myself more by my career and my commitment to a relationship than by my ability to have a lot of chicks or achieve ten orgasms in an evening.

Sex, Commitment, Careers

Interview with Sam Merrill, reprints.longform.org. January 1982.

As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.

Funny, Humor, Principles

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.95, Hachette UK

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.

School, Hygiene, Jersey

As far as I'm concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that's worth believing.

Humorous, Believe, Belief

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Being a Dodgers fan led to my first Air Force court-martial, but that's another story.

Air, Fans, Stories

Source: reprints.longform.org

Have you noticed when you wear a hat for a long time it feels like it's not there anymore? And then when you take it off it feels like it's still there?

Long, Hats, Feels

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

The rebellious mood of the country during those [60th] years allowed me to plug right back into my old hatreds. I could scream and holler, as I did on the albums, against religion, government, big business - all those assholes and their values. That hatred was very real.

Country, Real, Government

Source: reprints.longform.org

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Futility Of Life, Dust, Trying

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

If you have a legal problem, guess how you determine whether or not you need a lawyer. You see a lawyer. Isn't that weird?

Funny, Humorous, Needs

Do you remember Barbara Bush? I call her the silver douchebag.

Douchebags, Remember, Silver

"George Carlin... It's Bad for Ya!". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. 2008.

My father? My father left when I was quite young. Well actually, he was asked to leave. He had trouble metabolizing alcohol.

Father, Alcohol, Trouble

Catholic school gave me the tools to reject the very religion they wanted me to have. They taught me how to think for myself and to be independent.

School, Independent, Thinking

The two big mistakes were the belief in a sky god - that there's a man in the sky with 10 things he doesn't want you to do and you'll burn for a long time if you do them - and private property, which I think is at the core of our failure as a species. That's the source of my indignations, my dissatisfactions, however it comes out on the stage. I feel betrayed by the people I'm part of, these creatures, these magnificent creatures.

Mistake, Men, Thinking

Las Vegas CityLife, August 09, 2007.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

Aging, Speed, Wednesday

Your home is your refuge.

Home, Refuge

I profess no belief in God, which by definition is true, especially if we take the accepted definition of God. But to be an atheist is to also have a belief, and have a system, and I don't know that I like that either.

Atheist, Definitions, Belief

Source: mavericksofthemind.com

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

Thinking, Waiting, Aging

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