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George Carlin Quotes - Page 9

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Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!

Good news for senior citizens: Death is near!

Funny, Death, Senior

George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Rain, Sheep, Shrinks

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.

Real, Views, Roots

George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.11, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

No matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you're screwed because it's all fixed and rigged. There is a club and you ain't in it.

Trying, Clubs, Matter

People say, 'I'm going to sleep now,' as if it were nothing. But it's really a bizarre activity. 'For the next several hours, while the sun is gone, I'm going to become unconscious, temporarily losing command over everything I know and understand. When the sun returns, I will resume my life.

Sleep, People, Gone

George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.33, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

Bullshit, Folks

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.

Philosophy, Clouds, Eight

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

The planet isn't going anywhere. We are.

Planets

"George Carlin: Jammin' in New York". TV Special, www.imdb.com. 1992.

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

People, Happenstance

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

People think life is real complicated. Actually, there's nothing to it. Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.

Real, School, Simple

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.176, Hachette UK

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Wages, Parsley, Farmers

Hard work is for people short on talent.

Hard Work, People, Talent

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.193, Hachette UK

Obviously, there are people who constrict themselves and build walls around themselves, whether it's from a moral standpoint or a patriotic standpoint, or just plain old conformity, and who therefore live in those little prisons, and when things breach those walls, it's shocking for them.

Wall, Patriotic, People

Source: www.avclub.com

If you can't say something nice about a person, go ahead

Nice, Persons, Ifs

George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

The habits of liberals, their automatic language, their knee-jerk responses to certain issues, deserved the epithets the right wing stuck them with. I'd see how true they often were. Here they were, banding together in packs, so I could predict what they were going to say about some event or conflict and it wasn't even out of their mouths yet. I was very uncomfortable with that. Liberal orthodoxy was as repugnant to me as conservative orthodoxy.

Wings, Issues, Together

I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.

Ideas, Trouble

When it comes to bullshit...bigtime, major league bullshit...you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims...religion.

Atheist, League, Bullshit

Surround yourself with what you love.

Staying Young, Surround Yourself, Keepsakes

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

Games, Play, Religion

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

Funny, Humor, Stupid People

"Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.

Children, Loner, Bother

Avoid people with gold teeth who want to play cards

Play, Gold Teeth, People

Someone once said, if you scratch a cynic, and you'll find a disappointed idealist. That really rang a bell with me - because I recognized that, within me, there is this flame, of wishing it were better, wishing people had better lives, that there was more of an authentic sharing and harmony with nature.

Flames, People, Wish

Source: mavericksofthemind.com

I use the word 'fat'. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight... There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat !

Food, People, Use

Religion is the worst thing that ever happened to mankind - the ironic part is that it's presented as a good thing, and its effect is absolutely catastrophic to individuals and to societies.

Ironic, Individual, Good Things

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