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George Carlin Quotes - Page 7

All Quotes Abortion Age Aging Airplane Alcohol Art Atheism Atheist Balance Baseball Beer Belief Boundaries Bullshit Cancer Children Choices Church Comedy Cooking Country Crime Culture Cynicism Death Drinking Dying Earth Effort Environment Evil Family Feelings Fighting Food Football Friday Fun Funny Getting High Giving Giving Up God Golf Growth Guilt Hard Work Hate Hatred Heart Hell Holiday Home Honesty House Humanity Hurt Hypocrisy Inspiration Inspirational Jesus Judging Killing Language Laughter Life Lying Memories Military Money Morning Mountain Observation Office Pain Past Peace Perspective Philosophy Pleasure Police Pot Prayer Quality Rain Reading Religion Running Safety Sarcasm School Science Selling Shame Sleep Smile Smoking Soul Speed Sports Talent Team Time Today Travel Truth Values Vegetarian Voting Waiting Wall War Water Wife Work Worry Worship Writing

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Sarcastic, Laughter, Smart

One time. In 1965. August, for about an hour, I was both fine AND dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was.

August, Hours, Fine

If God didn't want you to masturbate, he would have given you short arms.

Want, Arms, Given

If you had chicken at lunch and chicken at dinner, do you ever wonder if the two chickens knew each other?

Two, Lunch, Dinner

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.

Funny, Humor, Names

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

Inspirational, Funny, Life

All patriarchal societies are either preparing for war, at war, or recovering from war.

War, Patriarchal Society, Recovering

People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.

Bullying, Philosophy, Thinking

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

Atheist, Two, Guy

"A Place for My Stuff". Comedy album by George Carlin, 1981.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard

Inspiration, Beard

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.

Philosophy, Stupid People, Balance

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

When something is 'new and improved', which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

Funny, Humor, Improvement

Property is theft. Nobody "owns" anything. When you die, it all stays here.

Death, Suicide, Stupid

Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?

Funny, Stupid, Humor

There are only two places in the world: over here and over there.

Two, World, Unschooling

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.105, Hachette UK

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Funny, Dream, Time

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Israeli murderers are called "commandos," Arab commandos are called "terrorists."

Humorous, Terrorist, Murderer

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

I, myself, have killed six people. All random, all undetected, no way to trace them to me. And, let me tell you, there's nothin' like it. It's a great feeling. Yeah, I know, you're thinking. 'Aw, he's a comedian. He's just sayin' that stuff.' Good. That's exactly what I want you to think.

Thinking, People, Feelings

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.175, Hachette UK

A good motto to live by: "Always try not to get killed.

Funny, Life, Sarcastic

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

Small Steps, Usual, Sociopath

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

Bullshit, Soundtracks

A dog has no shame. If he can do it, you can watch.

Dog, Watches, Shame

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?

Musician, Lawyer, Clergymen

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

So far, this is the oldest I've been.

Funny, Stupid, Humor

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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