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George Carlin Quotes - Page 8

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To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn't need guidance from.

To me, authority is something that a freer spirit, a more independent mind, and a person who can handle the world, doesn't need guidance from.

Independent, Mind, Needs

Source: mavericksofthemind.com

People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

If this is the best God can do, I'm not impressed.

Atheism, Best God, Diseased

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done".

Funny, Time, Jobs

"Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Children should be taught to question everything . . . everything they read and everything they hear.

Children, Taught, Should

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

As powerful as anyone may claim God to be, somehow he always needs money.

Powerful, Needs, May

They mention that it's a nonstop flight. Well, I must say I don't care for that sort of thing. Call me old fashioned, but I insist that my flight stop. Preferably at an airport.

Humorous, Food, Airports

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

It seems to me like a perversion of talent for an artist of any kind to further the corporate structure of America or the personal interests of the morons and thieves who run it.

Running, Artist, America

Interview with Sam Merrill, reprints.longform.org. January 1982.

Always do whatever's next.

Inspirational, Funny, Life

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.217, Hachette UK

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

Funny, Bible, Witty

"George Carlin, R.I.P." by David Gibson, www.beliefnet.com. June 2008.

Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.

Apathy, Today, Scientist

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.

Funny, Humor, Stupid People

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

Funny, Morning, Dark

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Funny, Success, Witty

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car."

Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

"Complaints and Grievances". Documentary, Comedy, 2001.

It's depressing to see blacks wanting to dive into the mainstream of American commercial life. They come from a magnificent African culture based on aesthetics, and they all want to become fort builders like the vicious people who originally enslaved them.

Depressing, People, Culture

The truth is, Pavlov's dog trained Pavlov to ring this bell just before the dog salivated.

Dog, Truth, Pavlov

People get all upset about torture, but when you get right down to it, it's really a pretty good way of finding out something a person doesn't want you to know.

People, Upset, Want

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

To me, fast food is when a cheetah eats an antelope.

Humorous, Fast Food, Cheetahs

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.462, Hachette UK

Voting is a meaningless exercise. I'm not going to waste my time with it. These parties, these politicians are given to us as a way of making us feel we have freedom of choice. But we don't. Everything is done to you in this country.

Country, Party, Exercise

Source: www.timeout.com

I went to the Missing Persons Bureau but no one was there.

Missing, Comedian, Missing A Person

There's this man who lives in the sky, and he has ten things he doesn't want you to do, and you'll burn for a long time if you do them. But he loves you.

Love You, Men, Sky

The Human Species could have been great but instead we became satisfied with lights on our tennis shoes.

Light, Shoes, Tennis

Before they give you a lethal injection, they swab your arm with alcohol. It's true. Well, they don't want you to get an infection, and you can see their point. They don't want some guy go to hell and be sick.

Giving, Sick, Guy

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.310, Hachette UK

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