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George Carlin Quotes - Page 6

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Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't.

Politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. You don't.

George Carlin
Ideas, Giving, Choices
"Life Is Worth Losing". Documentary, Comedy, 2005.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

George Carlin
Funny, Humor, Pigs

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

George Carlin
Earthquakes, Would Be, Stores
George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Life is a near-death experience.

George Carlin
Funny Life, Life Is, Near Death
George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.198, Hachette UK

The violence of the Left is symbolic, the injuries are not intended. The violence of the Right is real - directed at people, designed to cause injuries. Vietnam, nuclear weapons, police out of control are intentional forms of violence. The violence from the Right is aimed directly at people and the violence from the Left is aimed at institutions and symbols.

George Carlin
Real, People, Police
George Carlin (2009). “Last Words”, p.122, Simon and Schuster

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain, For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain. America, America, man sheds his waste on thee, And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

George Carlin
Beautiful, Song, Nature
"Class Clown". Comedy album by George Carlin, 1972.

They're only words. You can't be afraid of words that speak the truth, even if it's an unpleasant truth.

George Carlin
Freedom Of Speech, Speak, Speak The Truth

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

George Carlin
Funny, Life, People
George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

The more complicated the order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a 'decaf grandee, half soy, half lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet,' ooooh, you're a huge asshole.

George Carlin
Sweet, Coffee, Light

Looking back, I realize that my life has been a series of incidents where one person has said to another, "Get this asshole outta here!"

George Carlin
Humorous, Realizing, Incidents
George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

George Carlin
Funny, Sarcastic, Witty
George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

I don't have to tell you it goes without saying there are some things better left unsaid. I think that speaks for itself. The less said about it the better.

George Carlin
Thinking, Speak, Unsaid
George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.53, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

Energy experts have announced the development of a new fuel made from human brain tissue. It's called assohol.

George Carlin
Brain, Development, Tissues

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

George Carlin
Funny, Sarcastic, Witty
George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Something is wrong. War, disease, death, destruction, hunger, filth, poverty, crime, torture, corruption and the ice capades. If this is the best God can do, I am not impressed. This is not what you expect to find on the resume of a supreme being. It's what you expect from an office temp with a bad attitude.

George Carlin
Attitude, War, Ice

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

George Carlin
Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

George Carlin
Jobs, Gynecologists, Opening
George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.97, Hachette UK

Ah, to be a bird. To fly the skies, sing my song, and best of all occasionally peck someone's eyes out.

George Carlin
Song, Humorous, Eye
George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Religion is like drugs, it destroys the thinking mind.

George Carlin
Atheist, Thinking, Drug

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

George Carlin
Funny, Laughter, Roof Over Your Head
"Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

George Carlin
Funny, Life, Reality

God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.

George Carlin
Funny, Stupid, Humor
George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

George Carlin
Funny, Humor, Two

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

George Carlin
Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

I don't know how you feel, but I'm pretty sick of church people. You know what they ought to do with churches? Tax them. If holy people are so interested in politics, government, and public policy, let them pay the price of admission like everybody else. The Catholic Church alone could wipe out the national debt if all you did was tax their real estate.

George Carlin
Funny, Sarcastic, Witty
George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

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