Groucho Marx Quotes - Page 6

I would never join a country club with standards so low as to allow me as a member.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

A thing that has always baffled me about women is that they will saturate themselves with a pint of perfume, a pound of sachet powder, an evil-smelling lip rouge, a peculiar-smelling hair ointment and a half-dozen varieties of body oils, and then have the effrontery to complain of the aroma of a fine dollar cigar.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Blood's not thicker than money.

Wages? You want to be wage slaves? Answer me that! Of course not. What is it that makes wage slaves? Wages! I want you to be free. Strike off your chains! Strike up the band! Strike three you're out! Remember, there's nothing like Liberty, except Colliers and The Saturday Evening Post. Be free, now and forever. One and individual. One for all and all for me, and tea for two and six for a quarter.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Oh, are you from Wales? Do you know a fella named Jonah-He used to live in whales for a while

I think you've got something there, but I'll wait outside until you clean it up.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I’m glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.

Humor is reason gone mad.

But what makes wage slaves? Wages!

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Don’t ever underestimate the importance of money. I know it’s often been said that money won’t make you happy and this is undeniably true, but everything else being equal, it’s a lovely thing to have around the house.

I've met a lot of pin-up girls, but I've never been able to pin one down

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

Go, and never darken my towels again

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French government - I'd give it all up for one erection.