Groucho Marx Quotes about Funny - Page 3

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Blood's not thicker than money.

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.

You can leave in a huff. Or you can leave in a minute and a huff.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

In France, for example, it is not unusual for a husband to have a wife and a mistress. However, if in addition to these two he's also having a fling with a fringe tootsie, both the wife and the mistress are outraged and the combination lover, husband, and cheat may well wind up with a large French bread knife between his ribs.

Go, and never darken my towels again

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

Some day there will have to be some new rules established about name-calling. I don't mean the routine cursing that goes on between husband and wife, but the naming of defenseless, unsuspecting babies.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.