Groucho Marx Quotes about Funny - Page 5

You're a great brother. You give us a heart attack worrying about your heart attack, which you didn't even have the decency to have!

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

My plans are still in embryo, a town on the edge of wishful thinking.

Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.

Do they allow tipping on the boat? - Yes, sir. Have you got two fives? - Oh, yes, sir. Then you won't need the ten cents I was going to give you.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.

The first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract as the first part of the party of the first part shall be known in this contract-- Look, why should we quarrel about a thing like this? We'll take it right out, eh?

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

With the possible exception of clothes, beauty salons and Frank Sinatra, there are few subjects all women agree upon.

Obviously there was no point in being a bachelor if his houseman was going to filch his booze. If he was going to get robbed, he might just as well get married.

Any place I hang my head is home.

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can’t fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

All geniuses die young.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy