Funny Quotes - Page 11

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

The trouble with practical jokes is that very often they get elected.

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.

Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.

The reason why we have two ears and only one mouth is that we may listen the more and talk the less.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.

I believe in the truth of fairy-tales more than I believe in the truth in the newspaper.

I learned a long time ago that reality was much weirder than anyone's imagination.

Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it.

You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.

Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.

If you want to know what God thinks about money, just look at the people He gives it to.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

We need to remember what's important in life: friends, waffles, work. Or waffles, friends, work, it doesn't matter. But work is third.

How can a woman be expected to be happy with a man who insists on treating her as if she were a perfectly normal human being.

God loved the birds and invented trees. Man loved the birds and invented cages.

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.

If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers.

It takes considerable knowledge just to realize the extent of your own ignorance.

Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.

If you have nothing but love for your avocados, and you take joy in turning them into guacamole, all you need is someone to share it with.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others rob you with a fountain pen.

The lack of money is the root of all evil.