Life is a combination of magic and pasta.
I want a man who's kind and understanding. Is that too much to ask of a millionaire?
There's nothing on it worthwhile, and we're not going to watch it in this household, and I don't want it in your intellectual diet.
It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
I think pimp, therefore i am.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
I've come to view Jesus much the way I view Elvis. I love the guy but the fan clubs really freak me out.
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
Mind is never a problem. Mindset is
When others kid me about being bald, I simply tell them that the way I figure it, the good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them.
If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.
If you're too open-minded; your brains will fall out.
My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.
There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.
I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."
Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache.
It takes less time to do a thing right, than it does to explain why you did it wrong.
A girl should have two things: a smile, and a guy who inspires it.
Nurture your mind with great thoughts, for you will never go any higher than you think.
Life begins at 40 - but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.
