Funny Quotes - Page 13

Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.

Correction does much, but encouragement does more.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

Our dilemma is that we hate change and love it at the same time; what we really want is for things to remain the same but get better.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.

I wonder what chairs think about all day: "Oh, here comes another asshole."

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night.

Life is a waste of time and time is a waste of life, so let's all get wasted and have the time of our lives.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

I ain't no movie star, man. I'm a booty star.

Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.

I'd rather have 1% of the effort of 100 men than 100% of my own effort.

Don't be afraid of opposition. Remember, a kite rises against, not with, the wind.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.

I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I look into eyes, shake their hand, pat their back, and wish them luck, but I am thinking, I am going to bury you.

Politics: Poli a Latin word meaning many and tics meaning bloodsucking creatures.

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.

The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it's unfamiliar territory.

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you believe in Odin and Thor, people laugh themselves to death. While it's okay to believe in a man who turned water into wine, and walked on water

God created sex. Priests created marriage.