Funny Quotes - Page 14

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop

When I'm not in a relationship, I shave one leg. That way, when I sleep, it feels like I'm with a woman.

At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don't care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all.

The best advice I've ever received is, 'No one else knows what they're doing either.

The only time my education was interrupted was when I was in school.

Who picks your clothes - Stevie Wonder?

Life is too short to miss out on the beautiful things like a double cheeseburger.

The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education.

The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him.

But who prays for Satan? Who, in eighteen centuries, has had the common humanity to pray for the one sinner that needed it most?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.

The secret to success is to offend the greatest number of people.

They say marriages are made in Heaven. But so is thunder and lightning.

Better to live a day as a lion than 100 years as a sheep

If any of you cry at my funeral I'll never speak to you again.

In heaven, all the interesting people are missing.

Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn’t live there?

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that's extra scary to me. There's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he's fuzzy, get out of here.

Sometimes I'm real cool, but sometimes I could be a real asshole. I think everyone is like that.

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened.