Funny Quotes - Page 116

I feel like I have a hangover, without all the happy memories and mystery bruises.

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.

Yes, about ten minutes.

Alcohol does not make ugly people attractive. It makes it so you could care less that they're ugly.

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as you're insightful about it.

There's a fine line between masturbating while you look out a window, and masturbating while you're looking in a window. I'll give you a hint: one of 'em is super illegal.

I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

Yeah. Some people just don't understand when their facial hair starts to look ridiculous.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

There's something dangerous about what's funny. Jarring and disconcerting. There is a connection between funny and scary.

The plural of spouse is spice.

I used to work at McDonald's making minimum wage. You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? You know what your boos was trying to say? "Hey if I could pay you less, I would, but it's against the law."

I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask why me? Then a voice answers nothing personal, your name just happened to come up.

Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.

I loved when Bush came out and said, 'We are losing the war against drugs.' You know what that implies? There's a war being fought, and the people on drugs are winning it.

Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

When an Italian tells me it's pasta on the plate, I check under the sauce to make sure.

No matter how much cats fight, there always seem to be plenty of kittens.

Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.

Although always prepared for martyrdom, I preferred that it should be postponed.