Funny Quotes - Page 136

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

I don't have a drinking problem. I drink. I get drunk. I fall down, no problem.

The perfect love affair is one which is conducted entirely by post.

One half who graduate from college never read another book.

There is no hell. There is only France.

A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.

For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.

I don't hate women - they just sometimes make me mad.

Just go up to somebody on the street and say 'You're it!' and then run away.

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light. There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.

You can lead a boy to college, but you cannot make him think.

You try various things when you're growing up. I was an attache in the Foreign Service for a while and then I drove a bulldozer, but neither of those panned out for me so it had to be stand-up.

So the writer who breeds more words than he needs, is making a chore for the reader who reads.

At least black people knew when they were slaves; you remain clueless.

I love bald men. Just because you've lost your fuzz don't mean you ain't a peach.

I think it's interesting that cologne rhymes with alone.

Basketballs dont hold grudges!

Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here.

We don't want to go back to tomorrow, we want to move forward.

Men's natures are alike; it is their habits that separate them.

Chase after the truth like all hell and you'll free yourself, even though you never touch its coat tails.

If the Lord says to give more than you think you are able to give, know that He will provide for you. Whether things are sailing smoothly or the bottom has dropped out, He is always trustworthy. You can count on Almighty God to keep His everlasting Word.

What does politically correct mean? If you're fat, don't ask me if you're fat, because I'm gonna tell you the truth. You're fat.