Funny Quotes - Page 16

If you want something said, ask a man. If you want something done, ask a woman.

Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease.

The universe we observe has precisely the properties we should expect if there is, at bottom, no design, no purpose, no evil, no good, nothing but blind, pitiless indifference.

True confidence leaves no room for jealousy. When you know your are great, you have no need to hate.

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don't know.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

When your back is against the wall, there is only one thing to do, and that is turn around and fight.

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

Rule No.1: Never lose money. Rule No.2: Never forget rule No.1.

It's a funny thing about life; if you refuse to accept anything but the best, you very often get it.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

History repeats itself, the first as tragedy, then as farce.

Minds are like parachutes, they only function when they are open.

You shall know the truth, and it will make you odd.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.

The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

It's the good girls who keep diaries; the bad girls never have the time.

When I hear somebody sigh, 'Life is hard,' I am always tempted to ask, 'Compared to what?'

Careful grooming may take twenty years off a woman's age, but you can't fool a flight of stairs.

A proof is a proof. What kind of a proof? It's a proof. A proof is a proof. And when you have a good proof, it's because it's proven.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.