Funny Quotes - Page 15

I've been to the Leaning Tower of Pisa. It's a tower, and it's leaning. You look at it, but nothing happens, so then you look for someplace to get a sandwich.

A dog reflects the family life. Whoever saw a frisky dog in a gloomy family, or a sad dog in a happy one? Snarling people have snarling dogs, dangerous people have dangerous ones.

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.

My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.

It's better to be a dictator than gay.

I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back.

I have learned from my mistakes, and I am sure I can repeat them exactly

When you talk like an asshole and look like an asshole, you're an asshole

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

‎Life is a shipwreck, but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.

A gentleman is someone who can play the accordion, but doesn't.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there's no real market for masturbation I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.

I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.

My neighbor has two dogs. One of them says to the other, "Woof!" The other replies, "Moo!" The dog is perplexed. "Moo? Why did you say 'Moo'?" The other dog says, "I'm trying to learn a foreign language."

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first, and call whatever you hit the target

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.

Sleep 'til you're hungry, eat 'til you're sleepy.

A bottle of wine contains more philosophy than all the books in the world.

In order to be a realist, you must believe in miracles.

A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.

Christ has not only spoken to us by his life but has also spoken for us by his death.