Funny Quotes - Page 17

If I don't have anything to do all day, I might not even put my pants on.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

Every normal man must be tempted, at times, to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.

An onion can make people cry but there's never been a vegetable that can make people laugh.

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?

The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you're still a rat.

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.

I love to sing, and I love to drink scotch. Most people would rather hear me drink scotch.

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

Intellectuals solve problems, geniuses prevent them.

You should always go to other people's funerals, otherwise, they won't come to yours.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

Too many people, when they get old, think that they have to live by the calendar.

Assumptions are the termites of relationships.

Some people look for a beautiful place, others make a place beautiful.

The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.

My heart's in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there.

You can observe a lot by just watching.

There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.