Funny Quotes - Page 19

Women need a reason to have sex, men just need a place.

The time to relax is when you don't have time for it.

Heaven goes by favor. If it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Bisexuality doubles your chances of a date on a Saturday night. I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic. If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips. I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own. My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty. Sex without love is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go it's a pretty good one.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

Treat your password like your toothbrush. Don't let anybody else use it, and get a new one every six months.

Everything is changing. People are taking their comedians seriously and the politicians as a joke.

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men.

There's nothing better than cake but more cake.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

My personal hobbies are reading, listening to music, and silence.

I'm too drunk to taste this chicken

I believe that all women are pretty without makeup- but with the right makeup can be pretty powerful.

Last night I dreamt I ate a ten pound marshmallow. When I woke up the pillow was gone.

A recession is when your neighbor loses his job. A depression is when you lose yours.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Happiness is like peeing in your pants. Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

Before marriage, a girl has to make love to a man to hold him. After marriage, she has to hold him to make love to him.