Funny Quotes - Page 20

These young guys are playing checkers. I'm out there playing chess.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man ... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

Never insult an alligator until after you have crossed the river.

Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.

If I had a dime for every time a homeless guy asked me for change, I'd still say no.

I'd marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he'd be dead within a year.

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.

A hippie is someone who looks like Tarzan, walks like Jane and smells like Cheetah.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Most women set out to try to change a man, and when they have changed him they do not like him.

The only time to eat diet food is while you're waiting for the steak to cook.

Good things come to those who wait.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Fool me once, shame on - shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

I stopped and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?' So I didn't exist.

I never practice my guitar. From time to time I just open the case & throw in a piece of raw meat.

May God defend me from my friends: I can defend myself from my enemies.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.

Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.