Funny Quotes - Page 23

The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.

You should eat a waffle! You can't be sad if you eat a waffle!

All the world is birthday cake, so take a piece, but not too much.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - and Jill a wealthy widow.

The family - that dear octopus from whose tentacles we never quite escape, nor, in our inmost hearts, ever quite wish to.

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique, and not too much imagination.

My neighbor's not even listening to me. He's all excited about some garden hose he bought at Brookstone. He's convinced it was designed by NASA. "Actually, it's got two nozzles, one for the hot and one for the..." Really? Is it long enough to go around both our necks and the chimney so we can tandem jump off of this? That's all I really care about you and your little garden hose.

A man's respect for law and order exists in precise relationship to the size of his paycheck.

Everything is funny, as long as it's happening to somebody else.

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?

When I was young, I believed in three things: Marxism, the redemptive power of cinema, and dynamite. Now I just believe in dynamite.

It's tough to get out of bed to do roadwork at 5 am when you've been sleeping in silk pajamas

Life itself still remains a very effective therapist.

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol before, after and if need be during all meals and in the intervals between them.

Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emission standards from man-made sources.

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

Some people say funny things - but I say things funny.

A superior man is modest in his speech, but exceeds in his actions.

Pressure is something you feel when you do not know what you are doing.

Your wrinkles either show that you're nasty, cranky, and senile, or that you're always smiling.