Funny Quotes - Page 22

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Many marriages would be better if the husband and the wife clearly understood that they are on the same side.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

Music to me is like breathing. I don't get tired of breathing, I don't get tired of music.

Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most.

In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn't work very well.

The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Can I have a look at Uranus too, Lavender?

Pasta doesn't make you fat. How much pasta you eat makes you fat.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

I don't believe in astrology; I'm a Sagittarius and we're skeptical.

Just remember, you can't climb the ladder of success with your hands in your pockets.

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

One reason so few of us achieve what we truly want is that we never direct our focus; we never concentrate our power. Most people dabble their way through life, never deciding to master anything in particular.

Drunkenness is nothing but voluntary madness.

If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you.

I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed! Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren't coming after me!

When you go to work, if your name is on the building, you're rich. If your name is on your desk, you're middle class. And if your name is on your shirt, you're poor.

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house. I never slept alone until after I was married.

My friends tell me I have an intimacy problem. But they don't really know me.

I do not agree with what you have to say, but I'll defend to the death your right to say it.

So you think that money is the root of all evil. Have you ever asked what is the root of all money?

If you don't know where you are going, you might wind up someplace else.

I should like to be a horse.