Funny Quotes - Page 21

People have to follow their hearts, and if their hearts lead them to Wal-Mart, so be it.

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Everyone is a moon, and has a dark side which he never shows to anybody.

Music is moonlight in the gloomy night of life.

Basketball really had its origin in Indiana, which remains the center of the sport.

I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

The ability to play the clarinet is the ability to overcome the imperfections of the instrument. There's no such thing as a perfect clarinet, never was and never will be.

I have no use for bodyguards, but I have very specific use for two highly trained certified public accountants.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject.

Be careful what you wish for, you may receive it.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.

Opportunity dances with those already on the dance floor.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I often warn people: "Somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, 'There is no "I" in team.' What you should tell them is, 'Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity.

I have nothing to lose, but something to gain.

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

I've got seven kids. The three words you hear most around my house are 'hello,' 'goodbye,' and 'I'm pregnant.'

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.