Funny Quotes - Page 24

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.

Asthma doesn't seem to bother me any more unless I'm around cigars or dogs. The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause ? you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

Today is Valentine's Day - or, as men like to call it, Extortion Day!

I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't deserve that either.

Free your mind and your ass will follow

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.

Whatever women do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.

It's tough to make predictions, especially about the future.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

God gave us the gift of life; it is up to us to give ourselves the gift of living well.

All things come to those who wait.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

Don't keep a man guessing too long - he's sure to find the answer somewhere else.

If a composer could say what he had to say in words he would not bother trying to say it in music.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry.