Funny Quotes - Page 43

My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

Honestly, woman, you call yourself our mother?

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.

Money was never a big motivation for me, except as a way to keep score. The real excitement is playing the game.

If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century.

The sun and moon shine on all without partiality.

Unless we take action on climate change, future generations will be roasted, toasted, fried and grilled.

Our first and last love is self-love.

Everyone has favorite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

What people commonly call fate is mostly their own stupidity.

I've invented Twofacebook, the antisocial network. You start being friends w/entire world & defriend people one by one.

Never draw anything you can copy, never copy anything you can trace, never trace anything you can cut out and paste up.

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

By all means let's be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out.

Let us be thankful for the fools. But for them the rest of us could not succeed.

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.

For truth is always strange; stranger than fiction.

A lot of baby boomers are baby bongers.

Like all sciences and all valuations, the psychology of women has hitherto been considered only from the point of view of men.

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.

I want to go ahead of Father Time with a scythe of my own.

A dictatorship would be a heck of a lot easier, there's no question about it.