Funny Quotes - Page 44

May you live to be 100 and may the last voice you hear be mine.

Always remember, money isn't everything - but also remember to make a lot of it before talking such fool nonsense.

My dad used to say to me, 'You look more like me than I do.'

A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first thought of.

I'm a nut, but not just a nut.

After forty a woman has to choose between losing her figure or her face. My advice is to keep your face, and stay sitting down.

If you are out to describe the truth, leave elegance to the tailor.

"A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears."

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.

On second thought, I think I am more crazy than my goat.

Motherhood is the strangest thing, it can be like being one's own Trojan horse.

There are only two kinds of people who are really fascinating - people who know absolutely everything, and people who know absolutely nothing.

One of the most striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.

Old age is an excellent time for outrage. My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.

Our happiest moments as tourists always seem to come when we stumble upon one thing while in pursuit of something else.

Time is what prevents everything from happening at once.

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they're the first to be rescued off sinking ships.

Why is there such controversy about drug testing? I know plenty of guys who'd be willing to test any drug they can come up with.

The roulette table pays nobody except him that keeps it. Nevertheless a passion for gaming is common, though a passion for keeping roulette tables is unknown.

Soccer is a game for 22 people that run around, play the ball, and one referee who makes a slew of mistakes, and in the end Germany always wins.

I'm a big boy, but I can get jiggy with it. Ladies, I will go to dance clubs, and I will tear it up hardcore for a good 30 seconds.

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into an alleyway and lost him.