Funny Quotes - Page 42

Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history.

It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads.

A joke is a very serious thing.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.

The best time for you to hold your tongue is the time you feel you must say something or bust.

The competitor to be feared is one who never bothers about you at all, but goes on making his own business better all the time.

I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, 'At my age, I don't even buy green bananas.'

Here cometh April again, and as far as I can see the world hath more fools in it than ever.

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

At the age of six I wanted to be a cook. At seven I wanted to be Napoleon. And my ambition has been growing steadily ever since.

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

I have always felt a gift diamond shines so much better than one you buy for yourself.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

A lady's imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.

Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us. How dare we let it into our decision-making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships. It's funny, isn't it? We take a day a year to dress up in costumes and celebrate fear.