Funny Quotes - Page 45

I once had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.

My opinion is that anybody offended by breastfeeding is staring too hard

It's time for the human race to enter the solar system.

I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

You may be sure that the Americans will commit all the stupidities they can think of, plus some that are beyond imagination.

If you are first you are first. If you are second, you are nothing.

God heals, and the doctor takes the fees.

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

Thank you so much for breaking my heart because you got me four Grammys.

I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia. Not because I had it, but because I couldn't spell it.

Architecture is the art of how to waste space.

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

It has been said that a pretty face is a passport. But it's not, it's a visa, and it runs out fast.

If you want government to intervene domestically, you’re a liberal. If you want government to intervene overseas, you’re a conservative. If you want government to intervene everywhere, you’re a moderate. If you don’t want government to intervene anywhere, you’re an extremist.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

Auto racing began 5 minutes after the second car was built.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

I never said, 'I want to be alone.' I only said, 'I want to be let alone!' There is all the difference.

Youth is a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children.

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

A good programmer is someone who always looks both ways before crossing a one-way street.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

If you make every game a life and death proposition, you're going to have problems. For one thing, you'll be dead a lot.

Where there is cake, there is hope. And there is always cake.