Funny Quotes - Page 46

Life tells you to take the elevator, but love tells you to take the stairs.

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

Twitter is a lot like crystal meth, because it's really fun to do and Oprah's on it.

I called my wife up on the cell phone and said baby you aint gonna believe this, i go, we just hit a deer with the airplane. and there was a silence on the other end of the line followed by.. OH MY GOD.! were you on the ground? I said nope, santa was makin one last run.

Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment

The baby Jesus was the last homeless person the Republicans liked.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

You know you have a drinking problem when the bartender knows your name -- and you've never been to that bar before.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

To succeed in the world it is not enough to be stupid, you must also be well-mannered.

If you associate enough with older people who do enjoy their lives, who are not stored away in any golden ghettos, you will gain a sense of continuity and of the possibility for a full life.

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

There is a Japanese proverb that literally goes 'Raise the sail with your stronger hand,' meaning you must go after the opportunities that arise in life that you are best equipped to do.

I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.

True friends stab you in the front.

Presence is more than just being there.

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?

To me, crying is not a sign of weakness. She wants it that bad and she puts her whole heart into it. She had really high expectations, and that's why she's so good. She just had a bad game.

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

The odds of going to the store for a loaf of bread and coming out with only a loaf of bread are three billion to one.

Money can't buy you love, but it can get you some really good chocolate ginger biscuits.

A failure is like fertilizer; it stinks to be sure, but it makes things grow faster in the future.

A memorandum is written not to inform the reader but to protect the writer.