Funny Quotes - Page 41

Eating and sleeping are the only activities that should be allowed to interrupt a man's enjoyment of his cigar.

Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid.

Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.

Muzzle a dog and he will bark out of the other end.

I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.

I would rather have a nod from an American, than a snuff- box from an emperor.

The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.

I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.

I thought it sounded a bit like Percy singing... maybe you've got to attack him while he's in the shower, Harry.

good girls go to heaven and bad girls go everywhere

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

Patriotism is your conviction that this country is superior to all others because you were born in it.

Never follow anyone else's path, unless you're in the woods and you're lost.

Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.

The rate at which a person can mature is directly proportional to the embarrassment he can tolerate.

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

It was impossible to get a conversation going, everybody was talking too much.

Old age is like everything else. To make a success of it, you've got to start young.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

I had the right to remain silent... but I didn't have the ability.

If there is a 50-50 chance that something can go wrong, then 9 times out of ten it will.

Stress is an ignorant state. It believes that everything is an emergency.

Love loves to love love.