Funny Quotes - Page 47

Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else's can shorten it.

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

So, have you heard about the oyster who went to a disco and pulled a mussel?

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

I prefer the word 'homemaker' because 'housewife' always implies that there may be a wife someplace else.

Love is an ocean of emotions entirely surrounded by expenses.

A birthday is just another day where you go to work and people give you love. Age is just a state of mind, and you are as old as you think you are. You have to count your blessings and be happy.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

Haters never win. I just think that's true about life, because negative energy always costs in the end.

If we're not willing to settle for junk living, we certainly shouldn't settle for junk food.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

Blogging is good for your career. A well-executed blog sets you apart as an expert in your field.

If 'pro' is the opposite of 'con' what is the opposite of 'progress'?

Unemployment is capitalism's way of getting you to plant a garden.

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes I will drop it so that is achieves its maximum flavor potential.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.

One of the very nicest things about life is the way we must regularly stop whatever it is we are doing and devote our attention to eating.

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

The happiest time in any man's life is when he is in red-hot pursuit of a dollar with a reasonable prospect of overtaking it.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Actually I don't remember being born, it must have happened during one of my black outs.