Funny Quotes - Page 64

They call Ray Robinson the best fighter, pound for pound. I'm the best fighter, ounce for ounce.

Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.

The great American novel has not only already been written, it has already been rejected.

Of course, Behaviourism 'works'. So does torture. Give me a no-nonsense, down-to-earth behaviourist, a few drugs, and simple electrical appliances, and in six months I will have him reciting the Athanasian Creed in public.

I walk into the clubhouse today and it's like walking into the Mayo Clinic. We have four doctors, three therapists and five trainers. Back when I broke in, we had one trainer who carried a bottle of rubbing alcohol, and by the 7th inning he'd already drunk it.

So, my unsolicited advice to women in the workplace is this. When faced with sexism, or ageism, or lookism, or even really aggressive Buddhism, ask yourself the following question: “Is this person in between me and what I want to do?” If the answer is no, ignore it and move on. Your energy is better used doing your work and outpacing people that way. Then, when you’re in charge, don’t hire the people who were jerky to you.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

My idea of fast food is a mallard.

All my life I've been terrible at remembering people's names. I once introduced a friend of mine as Martini. Her name was actually Olive.

Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

What I tell young couples that are getting married is: you're going to have quarrels, and on some things, you're just going to have to agree to disagree. And when you go to bed at night, kiss each other and tell each other that you love each other. Don't go to bed mad. Life is too short. Keep it simple.

It's useless to hold a person to anything he says while he's in love, drunk, or running for office.

All the waste in a year from a nuclear power plant can be stored under a desk.

I have more ideas than I'll ever be able to write in five lifetimes.

I've always thought that a big laugh is a really loud noise from the soul saying, "Ain't that the truth."

Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

What the world needs is more geniuses with humility; there are so few of us left.

Man has his will, but woman has her way.

My life needs editing.