Funny Quotes - Page 67

When anybody laughs, he has no mind, no thought, no problem, no suffering.

Talent without discipline is like an octopus on roller skates. There's plenty of movement, but you never know if it's going to be forward, backwards, or sideways.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.

'I am' is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that 'I do' is the longest sentence?

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.

He writes so well he makes me feel like putting my quill back in my goose.

I'm conducting slowly because I don't know the tempo.

Cause see they call me a menace; and if the shoe fits I'll wear it.

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit.

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them.

When people ask me what 'American Pie' means, I tell them it means I don't ever have to work again if I don't want to.

Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

Do not worry about not holding high position; worry rather about playing your proper role. Worry not that no one knows of you; seek to be worth knowing.

A man who has never made a woman angry is a failure in life.

It was always a fantasy of mine growing up - my favorite program was always 'Little House on the Prairie' - so I always wanted to wear those looks. When I was a child, I wouldn't let my mom put me in anything but calico dresses and now... whaddaya know, every day I'm in a calico dress, basically, so it's kind of funny.

Happy, happy Christmas, that can win us back to the delusions of our childhood days, recall to the old man the pleasures of his youth, and transport the traveler back to his own fireside and quiet home!

Friends should be like books, few, but hand-selected.

The place was so British, I wouldn't have been surprised if the mice wore monocles.

What is the robbing of a bank compared to the founding of a bank?

The problem with doing nothing is not knowing when you're finished.

You don't have to be straight to be in the military; you just have to be able to shoot straight.