Funny Quotes - Page 65

That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, It's cool, he's with me.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

Behind every successful man, there is a woman - And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two.

The dumbest people I know are those who know it all.

Don't cry for a man who's left you--the next one may fall for your smile.

Too much of a good thing can be wonderful.

Doing nothing is very hard to do... you never know when you're finished.

My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects.

I saw Hulk Hogan the other day in a parking lot, and I couldn't tell from a distance if it was Hulk Hogan or not. And I realized I've never had that dilemma before. I've always been able to tell immediately when looking at anybody if they were or were not Hulk Hogan.

I've always had a theory that some of us are born with nerve endings longer than our bodies

Bats have no bankers and they do not drink and cannot be arrested and pay no tax and, in general, bats have it made.

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

You must never underestimate the power of the eyebrow.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: His sins were scarlet, but his books were read.

He's turned his life around. He used to be depressed and miserable. Now he's miserable and depressed.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I like terra firma; the more firma, the less terra.

A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies, said Jojen. The man who never reads lives only one.

I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. Its been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh..is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh..and watch TV. And get a bone density test. And uh.. try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.

Genius is more often found in a cracked pot than in a whole one.

You're talking to a modern, nice, affable German person and they're saying to you something like 'You know, vell, it's a critical time now for Germany within Europe, also globally, economically ve are pretty good, ve have been better. But ve are very vibrant in the theater and arts...' and all the time you'll be listening to this, you're thinking Mmm, yeah, mmm... Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler, Hitler.

I never had much interest in the piano until I realized that every time I played, a girl would appear on the piano bench to my left and another to my right.

The radical right is so homophobic that they're blaming global warming on the AIDS quilt.

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more embarrassing than a parent.