Funny Quotes - Page 66

Life can be wonderful if you're not afraid of it. All it takes is courage, imagination ... and a little dough

You can build a throne with bayonets, but it's difficult to sit on it.

If you're going to tell people the truth, be funny or they'll kill you.

If you don't like my opinion of you, you can always improve

I sometimes wonder if the manufacturers of foolproof items keep a fool or two on their payroll to test things.

He hits from both sides of the plate. He's amphibious.

What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.

I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: 'O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.' And God granted it.

If we're not supposed to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

From birth to age 18 a girl needs good parents. From 18 to 35 she needs good looks. From 35 to 55 she needs a good personality. From 55 on, she needs good cash.

Marriage is not about age; it's about finding the right person.

High sticking, tripping, slashing, spearing, charging, hooking, fighting, unsportsmanlike conduct, interference, roughing......everything else is just figure skating.

And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.

The first step in exceeding your customer's expectations is to know those expectations.

I have flown twice over Mount St. Helens out on our West Coast. I'm not a scientist and I don't know the figures, but I have a suspicion that that one little mountain has probably released more sulfur dioxide into the atmosphere of the world than has been released in the last ten years of automobile driving or things of that kind that people are so concerned about.

The fact is that as soon as they reach Baghdad gates, we will besiege them and slaughter them.

Until now they have refused to do battle with us. They are just going places.

An ounce of performance is worth pounds of promises.

I didn't know how babies were made until I was pregnant with my fourth child.

Hate me for who I am, I don't care. At least I'm not pretending to be someone I'm not.

The thing I thought about doing it was it's Comic Relief and you've got to be funny. So although I did try to sing properly it obviously has hilarious results when you can't sing.

I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half-empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

I've met many thinkers and many cats, but the wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.