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George Carlin Quotes - Page 18

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I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

I had no shoes, and I felt sorry for myself until I met a man who had no feet. I took his shoes. Now I feel better.

Sorry, Feel Better, Men

George Carlin (2004). “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, Hyperion

No one who has had "Taps" played for them has ever been able to hear it.

Stupid, Stupid People, People

The owner of a Florida massage parlor has been arrested by police. "There weren't any serious violations," said the officers, "she just rubbed us the wrong way."

Humorous, Florida, Police

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Early in my career I was divided because I had the real self underneath: the lawbreaker, the anarchist, the person who swims against the tide, the outsider, the loner, all of that guy. He was my private self, and I had this other side that wanted to be liked in order to do all those things I dreamed of as a little boy. I didn't realize that those things didn't go together until later. And I'm quite sure that my use of acid and peyote helped me accept what was really going on inside of me instead of what I had imposed on myself.

Real, Boys, Self

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.

Inspirational, Family, Children

George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.55, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

Stupid, Doors, People

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.

Money, Church, Want

Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.

Catholic, Never Forget, Forget

I think everybody should be able to do anything they want and let roving bands of people punish each other for things they don't agree with. People with no underwear doing anything they want. Wouldn't that be fun? You wouldn't need television.

Fun, Thinking, People

Source: abilitymagazine.com

What year did Jesus think it was?

Funny, Jesus, Humor

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Most people are not particularly good at anything.

People

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala."

Teacher, Stupid, Rocks

Things I wonder about the FBI's list of the "Ten Most Wanted" criminals: When they catch a guy and he comes off the list, does number eleven automatically move up? And does he see it as a promotion? Does he call his criminal friends and say, "I made it, Bruno. I'm finally on the list"?

Funny, Moving, Humor

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.573, Hachette UK

An entertainer is someone who pleases others, and an artist tries to please himself. An artist is on a journey: they don't know where they're going, what is going to happen, but they know they are not there yet, and there is some continuity and growth. I think of myself as an entertainer: I'm a performing entertainer, I'm a stand-up comic. But there's an artist at work here, too. One who interprets his world through his own filter.

Thinking, Artist, Journey

What do dogs do on their day off?; Can't lie around – that's their job!

Dog, Jobs, Lying

If you nail a tool shed closed, how do you put the hammer away?

Nails, Hammers, Tools

One of the first things they teach you in Driver's Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put 'em at ten o'clock and two o' clock. Never mind that . I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I'm goin'.

Humorous, Hands, Two

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

McDonald's breakfast for under a dollar is actually more expensive than that. You have to factor in the cost of bypass surgery.

Humorous, Mcdonalds, Dollars

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

Years, People, Process

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.476, Hachette UK

People love to admit they have bad handwriting or that they can't do math. And they will readily admit to being awkward: 'I'm such a klutz!' But they will never admit to having a poor sense of humor or being a bad driver.

Funny, Math, Sarcasm

George Carlin (2015). “3 x Carlin: An Orgy of George including Brain Droppings, Napalm and Silly Putty, and When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?”, p.191, Hachette UK

Sex always has consequences. When Hitler's mother spread her legs that night, she effectively canceled out the spreading of fifteen to twenty million other pairs of legs.

Mother, Sex, Night

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

Wine, Funny Wine, Captains

One thing leads to another? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.

Stupid, People, Sometimes

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

A flag is supposed to represent everything that a country does. It doesn't only represent the good things. If you burn the flag, you're burning the flag for what you perceive to be the bad things the country has done. it's only a symbol. It's only a piece of cloth.

Country, Burning, Done

George Carlin (2009). “Last Words”, p.122, Simon and Schuster

Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950's baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.

Baseball, Player, People

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