Top 25 Quotes by George Carlin of 976 - Page 28

That's basically what the drive is: I want to be famous, I want to be noticed, and I want to be approved of. That's basically what you're after. Give me attention, give me applause, give me an audience. A. A. A.

That's basically what the drive is: "I want to be famous, I want to be noticed, and I want to be approved of." That's basically what you're after. "Give me attention, give me applause, give me an audience. A. A. A. Straight As." That's all you're looking for.

George Carlin

Giving, Attention, Want

Source: www.avclub.com

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes. When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops? This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

George Carlin

Sports, Jesus, Stupid

I did a lot of thinking, and used mental activity to relieve whatever feelings I had. I became very left-brained, and I was good in school. That is, I was a smart kid.

George Carlin

Smart, School, Kids

Source: mavericksofthemind.com

Results like these [state of the earth] do not belong on the resumé of a supreme being.

George Carlin

Religion, Earth, States

With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet.

George Carlin

Abortion, Feminist, Chickens

Grass probably helped me as much as it hurt me. Especially as a performer. When you're high, it's easy to kid yourself about how clever certain mediocre pieces of material are. But, on the other hand, pot opens windows and doors that you may not be able to get through any other way.

George Carlin

Hurt, Clever, Kids

Source: scrapsfromtheloft.com

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

George Carlin

Dream, Gone, Pushing

At best, God can be viewed as nothing more than an uncaring incompetent father-figure

George Carlin

Father, Best God, Figures

I look at it this way... For centuries now, man has done everything he can to destroy, defile, and interfere with nature: clear-cutting forests, strip-mining mountains, poisoning the atmosphere, over-fishing the oceans, polluting the rivers and lakes, destroying wetlands and aquifers... so when nature strikes back, and smacks him on the head and kicks him in the nuts, I enjoy that. I have absolutely no sympathy for human beings whatsoever. None. And no matter what kind of problem humans are facing, whether it's natural or man-made, I always hope it gets worse.

George Carlin

Ocean, Cutting, Men

"George Carlin: Life Is Worth Losing". TV Special, www.imdb.com. 2005.

In my fifth-grade yearbook - it's right up there on the top shell - the last page says, "What about your future?" and under my name, it says, "When I grow up, I would like to be either an actor, a radio announcer, an impersonator or a comedian."

George Carlin

Growing Up, Yearbook, Names

Source: reprints.longform.org

The surgeon general warned today that saliva causes stomach cancer. But apparently only when swallowed in small amounts over a long period of time.

George Carlin

Cancer, Humorous, Long

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

The good lord tripped me up behind the line of scrimmage.

George Carlin

Lines, Lord, Behinds

George Carlin (2002). “Napalm & Silly Putty”, Hyperion

Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky.

George Carlin

Religious, Atheist, Men

"You Are All Diseased". Documentary, Comedy, 1999.

Meanwhile, followers of Eastern religions are sitting in the middle of their minds, experiencing a bliss and a level of consciousness that Western man can't begin to approach.

George Carlin

Men, Mind, Followers

Source: reprints.longform.org

You ever notice that? Any time you see two groups of people who really hate each other, chances are good they're wearing different kind of hats. Keep an eye on that, it might be important.

George Carlin

Hate, Eye, Two

You know something I could really do without? The Space Shuttle. ... It's irresponsible. The last thing we should be doing is sending our grotesquely distorted DNA out into space.

George Carlin

Science, Dna, Space

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

I can remember staring at the orphanage and feeling envy.

George Carlin

Envy, Feelings, Remember

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Why are a 'wise man' and a 'wiseguy' opposites?

George Carlin

Funny, Wise, Humor

No one is ever more him/herself than when they really laugh. Their defenses are down. It's very Zen-like, that moment. They are completely open.

George Carlin

Laughing, Defense, Moments

I never took reds or Quaaludes to balance out the coke. So when it got to be four in the morning and the gram was three quarters gone, I'd start wishing it was nine o'clock and hoping the guy got up early. But, of course, he didn't sleep either, so there was no sweat. During all those years, I was always looking forward to the next snort or the next guy I could score from.

George Carlin

Morning, Sleep, Sweat

Source: reprints.longform.org

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.

George Carlin

Girl, Dream, Grief

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

George Carlin

Fun, Sleep, Years

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Jesus was a cross-dresser.

George Carlin

Jesus, Crosses, Genuine

George Carlin (1998). “Brain Droppings”, Hyperion

Interesting form of murder we come up with: Assassination. We assassinate people who've told us to live together in harmony and try to love one another. Apparently we are not ready to live together.

George Carlin

People, Interesting, Trying