Groucho Marx Quotes - Page 12

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book . . . The recipes were to be the routine ones: how to make dry toast, instant coffee, hearts of lettuce and brownies. But as an added attraction, at no extra charge, my idea was to put a fried egg on the cover. I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books

There's a man outside with a big black mustache. - Tell him I've got one.

You've forgotten those June nights at the Riviera...the night I drank Champagne from your slipper - two quarts. It would have been more but you were wearing inner soles.

Chico: "Here's the book, it's a dollar" Groucho: "Here's a ten, and shoot the change." Chico: "I don't have change I'd have to give you nine more books.

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

He [Groucho's father] had absolutely no training, and if you had ever seen one of his suits, you'd realize what an accurate statement that is. You see, Pop never used a tape measure. He didn't believe in it. He said he could just look at a man and tell his size, with the result that frequently he'd make a pair of pants with one trouser leg seven or eight inches longer than the other.

A man who says he can see through a woman is missing a lot.-Groucho Marx A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

The admission fee was a viper's tongue and a half-concealed stiletto. It was a sort of intellectual slaughterhouse.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Anyone buying this book is going to be out a tidy sum if he is sucked in by the title. I wish I could write a real sexy book that would be barred from the mails. Apparently nothing whets a reader's appetite for literature more than the news that the author has been thrown into a federal pokey for disturbing the libido of millions of Americans.

Now that you're Secretary of War, what kind of an army do you think we ought to have?

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.

All geniuses die young.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked his weight in wild caterpillars?

Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.

Here lies Groucho Marx and Lies and Lies and Lies P.S. He never kissed an ugly girl.